Dr. Mechano and the Gems of Mayhem

Chapter 2: Cool Reception

“MECHANO! I’ve come to take you in!”

There he was: My arch-nemesis, Captain Cool. Throughout my entire criminal career, this spandex-suited simpleton has been a constant thorn in my side, always showing up to thwart my magnificent acts of malevolence. Sometimes I got away with the loot, and to his credit, other times he’d manage to stop me. But he didn’t consider that a win. To Captain Cool, the only true victory (which, owing to how slippery I am, always eluded him) would be my arrest.

“Aww, you came all this way just to see little ol’ me?” I smiled as sweetly as I could muster at Captain Cool, which I knew would only tick him off, “You shouldn’t have. Really.”

“Oh, keep smirking, wise guy,” Captain Cool said, unamused. Sheesh, did this guy ever loosen up? “You can smile real wide for your mugshot when I drag you downtown!”

“Sorry, Cool, but I’ve got plans this evening! I thought I’d take the kids out for a night on the town!” I glanced toward the Minioids, who smiled and waved, then I gestured toward the big bag of money on my back, “After all, it is payday.”

“ Why, you-” Cool lunged at me, but I deftly leaped and rolled to the side, drawing my raygun. As expected, Cool was already aiming at me as well - not with any sort of weapon, but with his index finger. A freezing mist emanated from his hand, and the water droplets in the air around it began to freeze and solidify, forming a small - but sharp - icicle. Cool wound his hand back and quickly flung it at me. With only seconds to react, I fired my raygun at it, the two shots canceling each other out in mid-air in a flash of light and crystalline mist.

“Heh! Not bad, Cool!” I said, running along the rooftop as I continued firing laser blasts at him, each one countered by an expertly-thrown icicle. We were getting nowhere fast, and I needed to end this stalemate before he did. “But I’ve got something that you don’t!”

“What’s that?” Captain Cool sneered.

“Heh heh heh heh…” I began chuckling, not missing a beat on countering Cool’s icicles, before breaking into maddening laughter, “AAAAH HA HA HA HA!”

Every villain needs a good evil laugh. It makes us bad guys appear more confident, more in control of the situation. It’s a bluff, like when a cornered animal makes its hair stand on end to look bigger than it really is. This can either intimidate the hero, or just make them angry, but either results in them being distracted.

But there’s another reason we villains laugh - it’s not just to bluff the hero, but also to bluff ourselves. Simply put, it’s impossible to be afraid when you’re laughing. No matter how strong your opponent is or how stacked the odds seem, if you’re the one smiling, you just naturally feel like a winner.

“Oh, I’ll tell you what I’ve got, you icy ignoramus!” I said, snapping my fingers with a flourish and pointing dramatically at my nemesis, “MINIOIDS! ATTAAAAACK!”

“Hee hee!” “You got it, boss!” “This gonna be fun!”

My Minioids leaped onto Captain Cool, taking him off guard. Immediately, they began doing what they do best - being extremely irritating!

“H-hey! Go away, you little brats!”

“Why don’t you make me?” Bit giggled, dodging icicles and making faces.

“Aww, geez, this guy’s broke,” Byte said, reaching into his empty pockets. “Guess being a hero doesn’t pay as well as crime does…”

“Why, you-” Cool swatted at the Minioids, before Nibble leaped onto his shoulders and covered his eyes.

“Guess who~!” Nibble sang playfully.

“Rrrgh!”

Now was my chance! I threw down a smoke bomb, which filled the entire area with a thick, dark mist. But merely obscuring Captain Cool’s vision wasn’t all I had in mind. I released a small drone from my coat, which flew high above us and began to hover in place.

“Get OFF me!” Captain Cool yelled, flinging all three of the little Minioids away.

“Uwaaaaaah!” they all cried, flying off in different directions.

Cool had dispatched my Minioids, but that was fine. They’d bought me just enough time for my next surprise - which Captain Cool had just taken notice of, stammering in surprise, “Wh-what the…?!”

Captain Cool was surrounded by holograms of yours truly. That drone I’d deployed was a projector, and the smoke provided just enough of a medium to cast my glorious likeness onto: My dashing face, my magnificent mustache, my impeccable physique! Ahh, I could have stared in awe at my stunning self all day if I weren’t so pressed for time.

“ Which one of these handsome devils is the real me?” I taunted, readying my raygun, as the holograms all did likewise. “You may be quick with those icicles, but even you can’t counter in every direction at once!”

“Rrr…! Take this!” Captain Cool shouted, flinging an icicle to his left. It went straight through one of my holograms. My laser shot, however, hit him dead-on, causing him to wince in pain. “Augh!”

“Aww, too bad!” I shrugged in mock-sympathy, as each of my projections imitated my movements. I (and the holograms) began running in circles around Captain Cool, so he couldn’t use where he’d been shot to determine my location. Maybe I should have let the holograms distract him while I made my getaway, but… Well, I was just enjoying this too much. Hey, it wasn’t often I had such a clear upper hand over my rival! Can you really blame me for savoring the moment? Once again, I aimed my raygun at him, “Let’s try again, shall we?”

He flung another icicle, this time to his right, but once again it passed harmlessly through my digitized doppelganger. And once again, I got a good clean shot with my raygun, knocking him onto his back.

“Gwaaa ha ha ha!” I doubled over laughing, “Wrong again, Captain Fool! Come on, third time’s a charm, right?”

Cool laid there for only a couple of seconds, but something above him caught his eye.

“Got you!” Cool shouted with renewed confidence, leaping back to his feet. He fired one more icicle - but this time, it wasn’t directed at me or any of my holograms. It was straight up, piercing the drone I’d deployed. Sparks flew from it, and immediately, the holograms all fizzled out of existence, leaving only the real me.

Ah, crap.

“Er, now now,” I smiled, backing up, “No hard feelings, eh?”

Before I could get another word out, Captain Cool’s fist slammed into my jaw, causing me to dizzily stagger back. Okay, okay, maybe I deserved that one.

“Ish tha’ the besh yooou’ve gah…?” I slurred. Now I was the one seeing double, as the dual spinning images of my nemesis began to gradually blend back into one.

“Don’t worry, Doc,” Captain Cool flashed an insufferably smug grin, “I can put some ice on that for you.” Great. He’s got jokes!

I looked at the flaming wreckage of my holographic projector drone. Then I glanced aside at my Minioids, still in a daze from being thrown off of Captain Cool earlier. I weighed my options, and decided on the most optimal strategy available.

“RETREAT!” I shouted, turning around and running away.

“HEY! Get back here, you weasel!” Captain Cool called after me, giving chase. I glanced behind me as I ran, leaping across rooftops, but Cool was gaining on me! Not only was the heavy sack of money weighing me down, but my pesky pursuer was using his ice powers to freeze the ground in front of him, skating after me faster than I could run. As I watched the distance between us close, I tried to shoot him as I ran, but a well-aimed icicle knocked my raygun clear out of my hand. Drat! In hindsight, I could have used my Plunder Magnet to attract the raygun back to me, but that would require me to stand still and focus on my weapon - something that would take precious seconds I didn’t have.

Finally, I found myself at a dead end - the edge of a high-rise, with no other rooftops nearby to leap to, and with Captain Cool at my back. I tried to leap to the side, but felt a sudden piercing cold pain surge through my ankle. I’d been hit! Looking down, I saw that Captain Cool had encased my foot in a heavy block of ice. I had no way of moving, and nowhere to run even if I could. It was looking like a bad day to be a bad guy.

“Well, well, well,” my nemesis looked down at me, rather pleased with himself. I could see my reflection in his visor shades, looking uncharacteristically helpless. “Who would’ve thought that the ‘great’ Dr. Mechano would finally be caught?”

I scowled up at Captain Cool, but then my eye caught sight of something behind him. No, I won’t tell you what I saw yet! I’m trying to tell a gripping, suspenseful story here! Anyway, the point is that I saw something that Captain Cool didn’t. I grinned.

“Well done, Cool,” I sighed and shrugged my shoulders, “After years and years of failed attempts to put me under arrest, you finally caught me.”

“What are you up to?” he raised an eyebrow skeptically.

“Nothing,” I said, “I just know when I’m licked. Still, if anyone beat me, I’m glad it was you: My one true arch-rival.”

“Heh heh,” Cool chortled, walking up to me. He put a hand on my shoulder and smiled, “Good to see you taking your defeat like a man, Mechano! Maybe in a couple of decades, they’ll let you out for good behavior!”

“Ahh, Cool, we had some good times though, didn’t we?” I asked.

“That we did,” he said, “You know, I think I’ll almost miss chasing you across the globe.”

“I’ll miss you too,” I nodded, “...But they won’t.”

“Huh?” Captain Cool asked, before suddenly shouting in pain, and getting sent tumbling right over me and off the roof, “UUUUUUUURRRRRGH…!” CRASH!

“Nice job, Minioids!” I said, waving over to Bit, Byte, and Nibble - who were holding up my still-smoking raygun. In his pursuit, Captain Cool had forgotten all about them.

I glanced over the side of the roof to see the hapless hero face down in a dumpster - right where he belonged. The Minioids had gotten a hole in one! They ran over and handed me back my raygun, which I used on low intensity to melt the ice around my ankle. Finally, I could move again! Now we just had to wait for… Ah! A large shadow eclipsed us from above; Perfect timing!

“Sorry to keep you waiting, sir,” Robutler’s voice echoed through my monocle’s earpiece speaker.

The Minioids and I looked up. There she was; My glorious airship, the Buccaneer. Her sleek, aerodynamic hull glimmered in iridescent shades of silver and teal, accented by luminous patterns of golden circuitry. Massive laser cannons were strewn across her deck, creating quite the imposing sight to anyone foolish enough to confront us in the air. And most magnificent of all was the flag that flew from her mast: A billowing banner bearing my mustachioed mug! In short, she was the most beautiful vessel to ever soar the skies.

“Robutler,” I said, “Beam us up!”

The Buccaneer’s hull opened up, and a bright green tractor beam descended from it, enveloping me and the Minioids. I felt my feet lift off the ground, and we began floating slowly upward. Looking down, we could see the sprawling city beneath us.

“Wheeee!” the Minioids cheered. Even after all the times they’d ridden the tractor beam, the Minioids still thought it was fun. Oh, what the heck. So did I. Wheee-hee-hee!

“Well, Cool, it’s been fun, but this ten million isn’t gonna spend itself! Ta-ta!” I waved farewell to my nemesis, who angrily rose from the dumpster, furiously throwing garbage in every direction.

“MECHANO, GET DOWN HERE!” Cool screamed, flinging icicles toward me. “YOU’RE STILL UNDER ARREST!”

Even at my height, Cool’s icicles came awfully close to hitting me. One whirred right past me. As fun as this was, I knew that we needed to board the ship and take off quickly. Finally, the tractor beam had pulled us into the ship, and the hull’s large mechanical doors closed beneath us. “Let’s get out of here!” I shouted.

“MECHANOOOOOOO!!!” Captain Cool yelled and shook his fist to the sky, impressively audible over the sound of the Buccaneer’s thrusters roaring to life (To be honest, he was taking my escape better than I expected). On my command, we took off, leaving the city - and an enraged hero - behind.

“Minioids,” I said, dropping the heavy bag of money at my feet, “We’re home.”